Cupcake;

Cupcake! where do i even begin. me & you have been through hella shit. But what it all comes down too...I love you; You are my everything. i don't care WHO comes along...you are my everything. You are always the ONE person i can count on to be there for me no matter what it is. whether its a female issue or a family issue! i love you for thatt & so much more. I know you have a girlfriend; but i still can't help but wonder what it would be like if we were still together; In my head all the fights are over, things are amazing, we don't argue. But I guess we'll never know. I regret the way shit ended with us. The fighting that i constantly complained about only brought us closer like its continuing to do today. :) You will always be my cupcake; my baby; my boo; my boosky! haha even though you have BOOKOO females :] It's okay; i know i'll ALWAYS come first! You ain't even gotta tell me! :] Anyways, there are so many feelings that i have for youthat i've never explained becuase i either never had the chance or i never thought it would matter; But i guess it's time to get it all out! When i first met you, i wasn't looking fa a relationship. i was just tryna get over Stupid Ass. & you was tryna get over Cece; So idk if it was that we thought being together would make shit go better for us. but I ended up falling in love with you. even with all the arguing. I guess i was always all over you about the females because i was trying to show you that i cared; & i didn't want to lose you. but in the process i ended up losing you because of stupid arguments; I guess i didn't realize it until you actually left..but baby you were my world. & you still pretty much are. : When im dating someone, you're still what i think about. You're still who i wanna be with. you're still the one i want to be telling that i love. You're still everything. I know all this is like whoa. but i just felt like you really needed to know about how i was feeling. I mean you know i love you already. but i wanted to let you know in detail how i honestly feel. Is it wrong to say that there are days when I really wish your dad would get transferred here? I mean i know it would never happen but i really want it too somedays because then we could be together & you could be mine forever. I remember the EXACT way you asked me to be your gf. well techinally you aint ask you just SAID we was. haha but i wasnt complaining. & then i remember when we became "engaged" : I miss being able to say that we was engaged. haha when that happened i talked about that shit non-stop. :) because i was happy to say that i was gonna be your wife officially one day! i remember the day we actually planned out the kids situation. I remember everything. i still have aim history from us that I STILL go back & read now & then just to smile. I remember the day you called my house & said "BABY i love you" I was smiling for days; when i think about it i still smile! because thats how happy you made me :) Anyways; i guess im done pouring out my heart. Just know. you are amazing. & i'll be damned if i let anyone come between us; I love you Cuppycake!:)

Feelings as of 04/08/10;

It fucking amazes me how some females can fuck somebody over & not even give a flying FUCK after that. Talking about "baby i love you" "Baby, i care" BITCH GET THE FUCK! thank freaking God my gf aint fucking like that. Ugh. females these days. Talking about some you always gonna be wifey. Bitch get the FUCK outta my inbox with that shit. & believe me when you really have NOTHING better to do & certain shit won't get outta yoru head, you realize you have DEEP feelings about the situations. Like for instance, This female...I don't even know this females name....but I already know I don't like her. Kay so, she's my gf's ex. But thats SO not why I don't like her. But the fact that she is really doesn't help her case at all. But, thats so NOT the point here, why the fuck would you STILL continue to call & text someone if they been told you they DON'T want to fucking talk to you. Especially if you're gonna sit there & say shit like "oh lets get married" "Lets have kids" Bitch get the FUCK. She said she dont wanna talk to you, get the hell OVER it. What are you like 12? Sorry honey, stalking isn't attractive. Moving on, Back to the beginning topic, dude, why the FUCK would you tell someone you love them & that you care if you don't? Playing with peoples minds ain't fucking cool. Like really dude? & What pisses me off EVEN MORE....How all through a damn relationship they be like "Oh baby i love you, we gonna make it last forever,you gonna have my baby..blah blah blah" then when its all said & done, that female never meant shit & they was just a sideline hoe. bitch get fucking real. you aint a player. you never will be a player. SO PLEASE QUIT TRYNA BE ONE! It don't make you cool. omgee, another fucking issue, don't go from one to the next bitch & tell em both the same BULLSHIT ass lies. Like really, you can't be orginal & find some new corny ass lines? Females, when you get confronted about shit...DONT fucking deny it when you know your ass is fucking caught. example, DONT SIT ON THE FUCKING PHONE & TELL THE NEXT BITCH THE SAME DAMN LIES YOU TOLD YOUR EX....LITTLE DO YOU KNOW YOUR EX COULD BE ON THREEWAY! & DEF. DONT LIE ABOUT IT WHEN YOU GET FUCKING CAUGHT & CONFRONTED. Lying ain't gonna get you no fucking place at all. I swear to God it's so damn hard to find a REAL female in this world. Thank GOD i got one :) [ i love you baby ) Dude, another issue, You in a relationship with someone that's got a kid, okay you DON'T wanna claim their kid when ya'll dating, but the second they find someone else who WILL, you wanna claim that lil kid, NO! fuck that bullshit! If your fuck ass couldn't claim it while ya'll was together what the HELL makes you think you have the right to claim them when its OVER?!! Bitch get the FUCK outta here with the bull. Next, Females If you & the girl you dating break up, you claim you over it, then GET the FUCK over it. Take the bitch out ya phone. Take her pictures off your Myspace. GET THE FUCK OVER IT. ESPECIALLY IF YOU GOT A NEW FUCKING GF! Dude, that issue actually really pisses me off. Liek why the hell would you want to claim someone that is being an asshole to you? Okay i get it you love them, I really didn't have room to talk before about this subject, but hell I did what i had to do to get the FUCK over the girl; INCLUDING TAKING ALL HER SHIT OFF ANY & EVERYTHING! & Last but damn sure not the least, Why the FUCK after everything would you tell a female "You always gonna be Mrs. blah blah blah" Bitch. its not cool. If the girl ain't claiming the last name on her own apperently you did something wrong to make her NOT want to fucking claim it. ESPECIALLY if ya'll not even fucking together. Ugh. People are seriously fucking lucky im not downbad to the point where i would put their names into this shit. Fucking stupid ass females these days! Ughhhhh! Hmm. I feel better now. All my ANGRY feelings are out, Now on to the postive.

I love my gf! She's amazing! haha.
Thank freaking God she isnt petty like the rest of these females out here!
Other than the whole "ex" situation, everything with us is Fabulous!

But yeahhh thats about it :) Im outttt! <3

It's so hard.

Its so hard to say i love you & not draw back in tears,
Its so hard to know you're not there to help me face my fears,
Its so hard to know the phones at reach,
But i can't hear your voice.
Its so hard to know that this time breaking up wasn't my choice,
Its so hard to see you happy when im crying deep inside,
Its so hard to just find feelings & now have to make them hide,
Its so hard to live without you when i need you more than words,
To want to scream how much i love you but hold back & not be heard.
Its so hard to go to sleep at night when i can't dream of you,
Its so hard to think you might fall in love with someone new,
Its so hard to not start crying when i hear our songs,
Its so hard to sit & wonder "Where did i go wrong?"
Its so hard to live without you,
If only i would have known,
I will never love another,
I would rather be alone.

Everyone walks away;

You said you're sorry, your face is like an angel. It comes out when you need it too. I honestly cant believe i believed in us. I shoulda known. Im not a princess, this aint a fairytale, im not the one you'll sweep off her feet. I wish i was. I was dreamer before you let me down. maybe i was naive, got lost in your sweetness. I never really had a chance. I didnt know being in love was so hard. I had so many dreams about you & me. Happy endings. I didnt think it was gonna end this way. Sometimes, people change their mind. Never thought you would. But it's killing me to see you gone after all this. I dont know what to be without you around. I know its not simple. Its not easy no ones here to save me from my fears now. I cant breathe without you. I never wanted this. Every bump in the road, i tried to swerve. Nothing i can say is going to save us from this fallout. I hope you know this isnt easy for me. I took a chance, i took a shot. Im not bulletproof. You siad certain things that got me, but i let it go. I felt like i didnt know you at all. You told me you loved me than cut me down. I need you like a heartbeat but you know our history. You told me you wanted me then you pushed me away. Why am i feeling so small? Do you feel whole? You're the only thing in my mind. You let go, is it my turn? All this time ive waited for things to get better all that happens is i get let down. I keep thinking we'll get better but I dont know anymore. I dont wanna hurt anymore. I wanted to love you all my life. You had your share of secrets & now im tired of being the last to know. You had me crawling for you. That woulda never changed. we used to shine so bright but i watched it all fade away. I was so in love i acted insane. thats the way i loved you. Now im breaking down, im coming undone. I cant keep it together anymore. Its a roller coaster rush. & i never knew i could feel that way. You dont see the smile im faking. or how my hearts breaking. You were wild & crazy yet so frustrating, intoxicating & complicated. You got away by mistake & now i miss you. I dont feel welcome in your life anymore. I feel so low. one second it was perfect now you're gone. I think back to when you said forever & always. Was it all a lie? everythings coming down to nothin. now you're gone...cant seem to figure out what i've done to lose you. I wanted to you give you everything. I guess my everything wasnt good enough for you. But i love you though. I always will. DONT ever forget that. You will always have my heart. Forever. & always.

& Again im left heartbroken.

basically my heart is in a million peices. & im giving up loving you. I can tell you i hate you but ima always LOVE you. You dont see how much pain im going through. there is nobody else that has EVER made me feel the way you have. Where did we lose our way. & i know i just need one chance to prove it all to you. Ill never love anyone the way i love you. So many nights i cry myself to sleep wondering why ill NEVER be good enough? What happened to our friendship. I then open my eyes to face reality. Its all my fault. I dont see what i did. I just wanted to give you my everything & in the process i pushed away. So tell me how to get things back to how they used to be please. You are seriously like my angel. you make everything go away just by hearing your voice. I seriously didnt give you my heart on purpose I dont even know why i did it. I guess i just got this trust in you. That doesnt come easy but for you it did. You say you love me. You say i make you happy. Attitude says different. I never meant to let myselt get so attached. I tried to stay away from being in love with you but it just wasnt working. there is something about you. Have you ever felt like the person you love is with the WRONG person but you want them to find happiness even if it isnt with you? I dont wanna try anymore. Its not that i dont want too. I cant. It hurts so much to know that im wasting my time. i love you to fucking death. Does that not mean shit to you? So tell me whats the point when all im doing is fucking up our friendship that is rarely there now. I have to face reality. After all this i really want you to know im sorry I just want my bestfriend back. I think abotu how many times i say goodbye & i ask myself am i really forreal this time? I think so. no wait rethinking ugh. dont you get it yet? Everyone is telling me to jus let it go. but its not that easy. I mean its as easy as i make it. so is it that i just dont wana let do? idk ugh. Its like you've walked out of my life but i cant get you outta my mind. : I seriously feel like im just a waste of space in your life. I feel like i need you in my life in some way or another. So bae come home? please? ill do anything for shit to be normal again. I love you pookapuff. Cant we just sit down & work things out? I know i say foolish things but cant you just forget about it? I want you back : Something about you puts me in a place i cant explain. im your friend but i wanna be more. please i just want you to understand that i wanna more then just your friend. I know you got females on you i just wish i could tell them to leave you alone honestly. I never told you to leave anybody for me. i just want you to see that i DO want you to be happy. even if its not with me. I compare everyone to you. everyone i go with; & noone seems to make the cut like you do. ugh. Where do we go from here? You & me would be untouchable. We would have a perfect relationship : how did we fall apart ugh. This is such a twisted situation. I try to fight this. ugh the feelings i have for you its not easy : I try to give up then you become sweet & then i wanna stay : I guess you will just never let me love you the way i want too. I cry after we get off the phone even if we had a GOOD conversation because i know you will NEVER hear what i ALWAYS plan on telling you. So many times you leave me so confused. i just cant stop loving you though. i always beat myself up wondering if i should just leave completely. You are my everything weather you are my friend; girlfriend; whatever you want to be. you still are my everything. & it hurts that youa ct the way you've been acting. I just wanna make you happy. i just wanna know you are smiling. i just want you to love me the way i love you : Baby im seriously tired of crying. Seems like thats all i do because you are ALWAYS on my mind. Baby tell me what you really wanna do. Its like im in love with you & it doesnt mean shit to you at all. I know i do & say stupid things, but like i hope it doesnt reflect on the way i feel about you. Cause i think i only do those stupid things because im scared that you are seriously going to walk outta my life completely. The way we are now kills me. We used to talk about anything & everything. What happened? I miss you. I miss the way we used to be. ugh. am i really that bad of a person? Am i really that bad to the point where ill never get what i want? When we talk i try to sound happy. Cause i am really thinking that your girl has everything that i have to live without. I cant even see anyone else when we talk. you say you in love. but do you know you are ALL i think about? One of the only TWO things that keep me going. When we on the phone can you tell that i try to hold back tears? Your girl is mad lucky. You are perfect pookapuff. So i sit home alone & i turn out the light & try to get my mind off you but it doesnt seem to work. You are amazing. so fucking amazing. i cant name one thing i DONT love about you. Even though it kills me to say im glad you are happy. I shouldnt be concerned but i cant help but question do you ever think about what it would be like if you were with me? I cant explain this feeling ugh. i wish i could. My head keeps telling me to just leave you alone. but my heart says different. but then again you have my heart & you dont even know it. Part of me says my dream to be with you is a lie. Part of me wants to just say fuck it & let it go. Part of me says not to do that cause ill regret it. ugh. Why cant this shit just be easy? Im so torn its not even funny. Im prepared to give up anything & everything just to get back to the way it was. : just tell me please. This isnt the way its supposed to be. i dont need anything because what i did need it seems like ive already lost. So just come back please? Thats all im asking for. I just want you to see how much you mean to me. thats all. i cant stand to see us this way. No matter what im willing to pay the price just to have you in my life. You say that you understand but please let me help you really understand. In my opinion nobody will ever love you the way i do. Dont you see i just dont want you to forget about me. or anything we have. All our goodtimes. Our inside jokes. 09.20.09 : best freaking day ever. What happened to us? All the love i've given i just dont want it to be wasted. Its like youre that air i breathe. i cant let you go. i know its probably the best thing to do but why is that best thing to do the hardest thing ive ever had to do. My world revolves around you & its killing me. ugh. I would do anything to just make you happy. In the way i want to love you. Dont you see? ugh. i love you.

Something I hate more about my past relationship with you is knowing it's all my fault. Every time I think back to how happy we used to be, I always drag myself down and get really depressed. I can never take back the heartbreak I've caused myself, nor can I even get back your love, but one thing is I'm not giving up, I'm going to keep trying because I don't want you to be disappointed in me. I've always wanted a fairytale and to be in love, and to live "happily ever after". Knowing I'll never get a happy ending hurts, because It's MY fault, & I can never take any of it back as much I want to.

I think thats most of the reason why I'm depressed, and have insecurites, because I know you can find someone else, it's just that thought in the back of my head that there's so many other girls that would treat you better, & you are probably searching.

Yeah I have really bad insecurites, and I hate the fact that I'm scared 24.7. But I'm trying to be stronger but everytime I get stronger something always brings me down. I wish the things that happened with us, didnt happen. But i can't change the past. All i can do is focus on the future. & you can either be apart of it or not.

Maybe for once, Can i be happy?

I've been in the same mood for the past year, I haven't been myself, & I'm so prone to myself being this way that I don't know how to turn back.


I cried myself to sleep last night missing all the people that made me who i am today, all the people that I left so
I could find myself. Well the thing is, I haven't & my heart is still with you I still haven't found the way to take my heart back.
Truth of the matter is, part of my is happy you have it, & you dont even know it.

-Maybe it's just me, maybe I don't know how to be happy, because I've been a let down for such a long time, nothing I do is good enough for anyone, & I always dispoint people, but the thing is, I try to be the person people always saw me being, & now I don't even know who I am, I'm not independent & I always need someone there for me to fix my problems, & no one can, I bury my problems and feelings & pretend everything is okay, & now it's all catching up to me, & I don't know how to feel anymore.